So you want to be a conservative. Unfortunately, being conservative at Whitman is about as popular as using a locker, but don’t let that scare you off.
Before you start down the long and painful – but ultimately rewarding – road of leaning right in a school more liberal than Berkeley in the 60s, take a moment to answer these questions:
Do you often find yourself one of three students standing for the Pledge of Allegiance?
Are you able to stay awake through at least half of a Romney speech? Do you get misty-eyed when someone name-drops Ronald Reagan in a conversation?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” chances are you have what it takes to be a conservative. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of ways to lead a normal high school life as a Republican. Just follow as many of these steps as possible, and you’ll find that life on the right just feels…right.
Start slowly. Stop by a few Young Republicans meetings, where Mr. Reid and fellow right-wingers will foster the spirit of small government growing inside you. If your friends ask, just say you’re going for the pizza.
If you’re in AP NSL or AP CP, own it. A few well-placed statistics from the Heritage Foundation are all you need to tear your opponents apart. Don’t overdo it though—your friends are still your friends, even if they’re socialist tree-huggers.
If you’re in engineering, be on your guard. Watch out for pesky liberals: they’ll take one look at your work and say, “you didn’t build that.”
Get involved in the SGA. A conservative bloc in the delegates meting might not seem like it means much, but hey, it’s a grassroots movement.
If you accidentally tear the cover off of your textbook, just blame the previous owner. If Obama can blame his predecessor, so can you.
DON’T watch the Daily Show. Your friends may say the show’s really funny, but it’s only funny at your expense.
Make sure to keep a collection of Joe Biden quotes handy for whenever anyone quotes a Republican gaffe. At first it doesn’t seem like much, but I promise, it’s a big f***ing deal.
So as you start to take pride in being a conservative, accept that you’re part of a new one percent, the few students at Whitman who have their heads screwed on right.